


Talking Can Solve Problems But Sometimes It's Too Hard

by No_One_00



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and I don't know if there's a happy ending, High School Students NCT Dream, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, and Yangyang, but is depressed so, the author will try
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27703082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_One_00/pseuds/No_One_00
Summary: "I'll go with Jaemin because he's still alone, okay?"Something about it just feels off. Hearing it kind of breaks Renjun's heart a little. It's been nagging at him in little bursts for some time now, but this feels off.Someone else is now Jeno's priority. It used to be just him.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 94





	1. A Misunderstanding, but Hurtful Nonetheless

**Author's Note:**

> I know I have other works in progress, but I had to write this.
> 
> Do enjoy, or not. It's angsty because I feel so...yeah.

In the two years of their relationship, Renjun hasn’t ever felt – adequate. Never like he was enough. Jeno was always the more popular one, not that Renjun wasn’t, but it was always the former that the students fawned over for, what with him being the basketball star and local hero. Renjun was always just _Jeno’s boyfriend,_ not quite the upgrade from _that smart rich kid…who owns the school._

But it was him who Jeno chose to court. The one that the hottest boy fell for. And everyone thought them the right couple. Quite cute, others described.

That was freshman year. Then Jeno’s friend Jaemin transferred to their school. Smart, sporty, good-looking and very sociable, he was the perfect person to be a school celebrity. And he was.

The very day Jaemin walked through the campus gates alongside Jeno, he became the talk among the students.

Then they became the talk of the students. Jaemin and Jeno.

The two seemed like very good friends.

Renjun’s heard of the other from his boyfriend, with most of all Jeno’s anecdotes leading to the other’s name coming up. Renjun can’t say he’s never been jealous everytime Jeno talked about their adventures, outings and how much he knew about the other.

But hearing stories about Jaemin and Jeno is a whole lot different to seeing them together. They were close. Very close.

Jeno once explained to him they’ve always been like that, clingy with each other and almost inseparable. But Renjun can’t help feeling jealous. He’s good at keeping it to himself, though. He’s always been good at hiding his emotions. He’s always been one to keep to himself his innermost and darkest thoughts, one to choose a façade over being transparent.

And so for a whole semester, he simmered in hurt.

But the hurts keep on coming.

Biology class was the worst. In a school so focused on pragmatic approaches to education, biology out of the classroom was a chore to many. Teenagers, city-girls and city-boys, hate the outdoors. Renjun most especially. He preferred staying put where everything he needed was a delivery or a quick train ride away.

Bird-watching. What a joke.

Sweat clung dripped and collected at his brows yet he couldn’t even complain – not that he would’ve been brave enough to do so. Another thing to complain about though was his partner. Lee Donghyuck.

“Come on, little birdies. Come out, come out, wherever you are!” the boy whisper-shouted.

“I’m sure that’s not how you attract birds, Hyuck.”

“Careful Jun, your sass is coming out.”

Donghyuck had been Renjun’s closest friend since primary school. Him and Yangyang, both. Being neighbors, they were stuck together at first, but they got used to each other and became closer than most. But even the closest friends quarrel and Donghyuck seemed to always know how to bring out the devil in Renjun.

“Whatever. Why do we have to do this though? Why can’t we just watch TV documentaries on these things? I’m sweaty and tired and angry and I want to go home.”

Donghyuck turned to his friend, concerned, “Wait, and why are you angry?”

Renjun didn’t mean to say that. Was he angry?

Before he could come up with an excuse, however, another pair of their classmates came near their cover, talking loudly and clearly not caring for the class activity. They couldn’t actually see which of their class mates they were but they were talking about a thing Renjun absolutely didn’t want to hear.

“They look so good together don’t they? I wanted Jeno for so long but then he got together with Renjun and don’t get me wrong, they were couple goals, but seeing him with Jaemin is like visual overload, right?”

“I know! When Jeno chose to partner up with Jaemin for the activity, I first thought, ‘drama!’ but then who are we kidding, they look better together!”

“I heard they’ve been friends for forever. If they swing the same way wouldn’t they have been into each other at least once? Thinking about it gives me so much feels.”

“And oh my God, have you seen how they look at each other? Rainbows and fireworks I tell you.”

The conversation fades as the two walk away but Donghyuck is left staring at Renjun, looking for any hint of emotion on his face.

Renjun let’s none come through but Donghyuck knows him best and guesses that this show of nonchalance is a mere mask. It must be eating him inside.

“Jun – ”

“Let’s just finish our task Hyuck.”

Donghyuck knows better than to stir him up. They focus more now on the task, for any distraction. They can talk about it later at a better time and place.

The different pairs heed the calls for them to return to base camp and they filter through the grounds by pair. Renjun and Donghyuck quickly submit their findings, sketches and descriptions to the teacher who fawns over Renjun’s handiwork with the sketches. They then head for the buses after.

Donghyuck initially thought to sit beside Renjun before the bus filled up with students but seeing the others maintained mask, he decided to sit opposite him across the aisle.

Two girls enter the bus after them, clearly as exhausted and they take the seats in front of Renjun. Hearing them talking, Donghyuck finds these two were the ones who passed by them in the forest, but now they were only talking about how badly they wanted to go home.

Minutes pass and the bus slowly fills with other students, Yangyang taking the seat beside Donghyuck and quickly engaging him into an exciting description of how Shotaro was so out of place during bird watching.

One of the girls suddenly perks up in alarm at something going on outside.

“Oh no look, Jaemin seems hurt.”

This catches Donghyuck’s and most everyone else’s attention, turning their sights outside.

The teacher is running to meet Jeno who has Jaemin on his back, the latter seemingly having hurt his ankle. It would’ve been an ordinary sight – a friend helping another friend – yet their classmates seemed to have not tact whatsoever.

“Look at that! It’s like straight out of a drama plot, right? Alone in the forest and then the heroine gets hurt, and luckily prince charming was there…”

It was one of the girls before, but she cut herself off after her partner whispered something to her ear.

The girl then stood and turned to Renjun, panic on her features.

“God, Renjun I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just the scene that’s all. I didn’t mean to insinuate anything…”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I see what you mean.”

Renjun was looking outside too. From this angle Donghyuck can’t see his friend’s features but he knows he’s keeping up that mask. Donghyuck bids Yangyang an excuse so he can sit beside Renjun. Everyone on the bus also falls quiet. The girl, clearly worried, unconvinced that Renjun accepted her apology. But no one will dare tease Renjun about this.

Donghyuck pats his friend a little, and Yangyang gives him his jacket to drape over Renjun. They know the mask won’t hold for long.

The teacher and the last pair eventually head for the bus, Jeno still carrying Jaemin on his back. Reaching the bus, their teacher makes the students in front transfer to other seats as she instructs Jeno to place Jaemin there beside her. The former then looks at the others, searching for Renjun, and frowning upon finding Donghyuck already seated beside him.

“Hyuck, can I sit beside Renjun instead?”

Yangyang, seated across them, looks around and finds no other available seat. He also sees their classmates trying hard not to zone in on the conversation.

“Just sit somewhere else for now, let me have my friend. You sat together on the way here.”

Jeno, flustered and somewhat concerned that Renjun is hiding under a hoodie, looks around only to find Yangyang already offering him the last seat. Something must be wrong. Donghyuck and Yangyang only work together for mischief yet this atmosphere oozed something darker. Their classmates were quiet save for the few in front who fussed over Jaemin discreetly.

Having no choice, Jeno took the window seat Yangyang offered, furthest from Renjun in the same row. He was so excited to tell his boyfriend all about his experiences bird watching. Jaemin just had an accident on the way back and his concern was piqued then but he still held excitement to the thought Renjun was gonna be waiting for him.

This was not what he imagined at all.

Upon arrival on campus, Donghyuck hurriedly ushered Renjun off the bus, Jeno finding it difficult to follow with Yangyang seemingly blocking the way. He couldn’t help but just sit and watch as even through the teacher’s calls to let Jaemin off first, Renjun and Donghyuck breeze through. Yangyang suddenly followed them out and just as Jeno rushed to his trail, the girls seated in front of where Donghyuck and Renjun sat suddenly stood to get their bags from the overhead compartment, blocking his way once again.

Jeno can’t help feeling something was amiss.

He sees the three friends being met by a man outside who leads them to a large sleek black foreign-brand sedan. And then they were off.

Feeling left out and wondering what just happened, Jeno was suddenly called by their teacher who now appeared with the school nurse. They needed him to help explain what happened to Jaemin.

Renjun was still on his mind yet there was not much he could do after being left behind just like that.

Arriving at Renjun’s house, the three were met by his mother who immediately hugged her child upon seeing him in tears.

“What happened?”

Donghyuck and Yangyang looked at each other deciding who would talk. Yangyang signalled to Donghyuck it was obviously him who had to explain seeing as he was the one partnered up with Renjun.

“Young love? Mom, can’t really explain it in too much detail?”

“And why not?’

The three of them grew up like siblings in this big neighbourhood of likeminded, same-status people. They each called one another’s families their own – shared parents and siblings and all.

“I just – WE think its Junnie’s story to tell.”

Yangyang glared at him. _Great excuse, dipshit._

Renjun’s mom, still hugging her son, just smiled at the two. “I understand. You’ll have dinner here, yes?”

A chorus of affirmations.

Over the weekend, at school, Jeno waits by lockers for Renjun. He lost sleep trying to think about the other and what happened. Calling him ended in endless ringing. Donghyuck and Yangyang were both deadends. Even calling his home got Jeno an earful from Renjun’s mother. Not hate or scolding but passive aggressive innuendos toward taking better care of her darling son.

Classmates passing by Jeno gave curt nods but even his usual fangirls seemed much more subtle, some even just giving strange slight smiles that made him conclude everyone already knows whatever it is that happened except for him. And Jeamin. Jaemin being new to this school meant he wasn’t very receptive to school gossip. He was popular, yes, but as a topic, never a talker.

A white SUV turns the corner toward the building entrance just outside. It stops in front and out comes Renjun’s brother Kun. From the passenger side comes another, bundled up in a thick jacket with the hood up, sporting a face mask and sunglasses. Yet even through that Jeno can see it’s Renjun.

He approaches them only to have a face full of Kun blocking his way. Renjun slips past and dashes to their classroom, not even bothering to change his shoes. Kun holds Jeno in place to stop him from following his brother.

“Jeno, I like you, but you have to see you’re hurting my brother, okay?”

“What?”

“Just…talk to him when he lets you through, yeah? Promise me you won’t force him.”

Jeno has had it with being shocked by whatever has been happening. But he knows whatever it is, he’s going to give in to what Renjun needs.

“I don’t really understand what is going on, but believe me, Kun, I don’t and never wanted to hurt Renjun.”

Renjun sits in last row by the window. In front of him sits Yangyang and beside him sits Donghyuck. It’s always been their seating plan since middle school and the teachers let them get away with it, no matter how many time their classmates are shuffled around.

Renjun’s parents basically own the school. They’ve ran the prestigious institution along with their other business ever since their older son Kun came home from primary school crying because of bullying. They practically built this school for their children to have somewhere where they can be educated safely.

They weren’t sheltered, but their parents did their best to make them see the good in life. Qian, their eldest, now ran her own business independent of their support. Kun, their middle child, is already interning at Donghyuck’s family’s entertainment company, applying there under a different name so as to not receive special treatment form both their families.

Their youngest had been different. Renjun was always silent even as a child. He showed them affection like their other children but the boy mostly kept negative thoughts to himself. He was bullied for being quiet in primary school, where children were at an age when they didn’t care that they were bullying the son of the owners of the school. But Renjun kept quiet about it, not wanting to be a bother.

It was when he was coming home in 5th Grade one day, face bruised and tear-stricken, that his mother found out. His father was furious, but mostly they were worried. Kun, by then just starting high school, found out through the grapevine the boys who did it and told their parents. They were immediately kicked out. They chose to home-school Renjun until he entered middle school, asking Donghyuck and Yangyang’s parents to do the same so their son had company.

When the three entered middle school, their teachers and the school staff already had their instructions. Nothing untoward must happen to Renjun and his friends. But the students who were their classmates in primary school already understood more than most. When Renjun was hurt, his bullies were made to go away.

It wasn’t that the other students were scared of, or hated, Renjun. He was kind and approachable. He was a good student. There were just those who saw these as weaknesses. Renjun being top of the class also wasn’t questioned. Everybody knew enough about him to see his parents weren’t cheating the system to make the boy number one.

They only saw other facets to Renjun in high school. High school in the institution offered scholarships for academics, arts and sports students from other schools that showed excellence. That was where Jeno came in. Coming from an upper middle class family, he wasn’t that much different from the usual students who attended this school. But he did act different. While other students were wary of making fun of Renjun, Jeno was quick to use his moves on the boy. Flirting so easily around him and always somehow making him laugh or smile, Jeno soon had Renjun so enamoured that it wasn’t a surprise that they eventually became a thing. Until sophomore year.

Jaemin was Jeno’s friend from his neighbourhood. They weren’t as well-off as Jeno and far from the same status as most of the other students in school. So far below Renjun.

Yet he was a hit. Jaemin was smart, quickly rising to the third spot in their level, between Donghyuck and Yangyang. He was also very sporty, coming in through a sports scholarship for tennis. And he was handsome. That everyone agreed in. He was quick to become friends with most of everyone, even Renjun’s group.

But coming from his financial background, he couldn’t always keep up with his new friends, which is why he spent most of his time with his old friend Jeno. Not that he actively looked for the latter but more of the opposite. It was like Jeno chose to take him under his wing. And it was fine for a while…until it wasn’t anymore.

Renjun knows they’re best friends. He wasn’t planning on standing between that. But having been used to having Jeno fussing over him at school to suddenly always seeing the boy with Jaemin was a slow burn.

Their library dates became a three-man thing. Even ice cream dates were now done with more people, and yet Renjun was okay with that. It was okay because every time they were together, Jeno showed him he was still for him.

But whatever the two were up to when he wasn’t there, Renjun didn’t know. The two shared a different class to Renjun’s group. Those on arts and sports scholarship were not mixed in with the rest. Not as a discriminatory act but more because they had schedules outside regular academics. The sports students had more P.E. classes than most and Renjun could see the field from where he sat in the room.

He could see them stretching right now. He could see Jeno assisting Jaemin. He does think they look good together, just like those girls said. They were both tall and handsome. The memory of Jeno choosing Jaemin over him for partner hasn’t left his mind since. What if Jeno chose Jaemin for something more than that?

Jaemin has had it with Jeno’s unfocused gaze.

“What is your problem?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve been staring to the horizon you haven’t even noticed class has ended.”

Jeno looks around the room to find that it’s just the two of them left.

“I wasn’t…I‘ve just been…thinking.”

“And like I asked, what is it?”

“Renjun.”

Jaemin frowns. “What about Renjun?”

“I think we have a problem. He’s avoiding me.”

“Tch…how can you not be sure if you have a problem? There must be a problem if he’s been avoiding you like you just said.”

“He’s always been like that though. Like a turtle when under threat. He retreats into his shell.”

“Communication is key to a healthy relationship.”

“Yeah, well with Renjun it’s different.”

Jaemin sucks in a deep breath and let’s out his thoughts.

“I don’t understand why you’re with him. He’s not like all those girls you’ve liked and dated before. I get that you found out you swing this way, but I just don’t see why it’s him.”

Jeno takes offense to his friend’s sentiments. “You don’t get to judge him when you barely know him. Renjun’s just not quick to take to others.”

“Yeah, like how all the other students seem to walk on eggshells around him. So what if his parents own this school? Does that make him king?”

A voice speaks from by the door. It startles the two of them to find Yangyang there.

“Renjun’s not king here and he’s never acted like one. I didn’t know this was how you thought of him when he hasn’t ever shown you anything for you to think that.”

Then Yangyang leaves even before Jeno could call after him.

“What have you done Jaem?” Jeno screams before running after the former.

When he gets to the ground floor and the entrance, it’s to find Yangyang hurriedly entering the same black car as that day, followed by Donghyuck. Renjun’s also there and he remains, looking at Jeno like he wants to say something.

But from the stairs comes Jaemin who drapes his arm around Jeno before hugging him from behind. Jeno can’t see what expression he’s wearing but he can see Renjun’s. How the boy looks a bit surprised before he smiles at Jeno. It was faint but it was also sad. Renjun followed his friends into the vehicle as Jeno runs toward them. The car leaves just as Jeno gets outside.

Renjun shows up at basketball practice. He and his friends sit on the bleachers by the exit just as practice becomes intense. Jeno catches Renjun’s eye just as the latter turns from something his friends were talking about. Next thing he knows, the ball hits him on the face.

Jeno remembers Renjun’s worried face as he fusses over him after a short run from his seat before blacking out. He comes to in the school infirmary alone. He feels a patch on his forehead as he runs his hand through his hair. Standing up to look for a mirror, he hears some people whispering just outside the door.

“Did you tell Renjun about what you heard yesterday?” It’s Jaemin. From the way the conversation was going, Yangyang’s probably outside.

“What, and hurt my friend?” asks Yangyang. “I don’t know what you have against Junnie but he loves Jeno. The first one he’s ever fallen for. Jeno’s the first one to take him for who he is so I don’t get why you imagine a version of Renjun who looks down on others. Renjun isn’t like that at all.”

“Yeah well, treating Jeno like he’s supposed to just know when there’s a problem is in itself a problem. If anything’s wrong he should just tell him.”

Jeno hears Yangyang sigh. “If Renjun’s not saying it, it’s not because he wants to hurt anyone. He’s probably bearing the burden of his feelings all on his own. He must think talking about it will only create more problems. He’s always been like that. He doesn’t even tell us everything. He thinks friends are only there for the good things. The bad things he keeps to himself.”

It hurts to hear all of this about Renjun. In almost a year and a half that they’ve been together, Jeno’s hasn’t ever tried to talk Renjun into coming out of his shell. He’s just let Renjun be whenever he turns turtle-like. He should’ve seen Renjun was like this.

Footsteps come from the hallway and he thinks he hears Donghyuck’s voice. Renjun must be with him. Jeno hurries back to the bed and closes the curtain around it.

The door opens and someone comes in.

“Jen, are you awake?”

It’s Renjun.

But Jeno’s too overwhelmed by his newfound information and too afraid to show Renjun tears that he keeps his quiet. Renjun opens the dividing curtain anyway and places something on the bedside table.

Renjun runs his fingers over the patch gently, continuing on to his cheek.

“Are you really asleep?”

Jeno stays still, breathing normally, softly.

“You will tell me if you’re tired of me, right?”

_What?_

“Just tell me if you have someone you love more now, please.” Jeno stills. There’s a soft sob.

_Renjun._

The fingers leave and there a rustling of the curtain before the door opens and Donghyuck is calling after Renjun. Yangyang probably went with them.

Jeno opens his eyes and he feels tears collecting in them.

“Hey.”

Jeno turns to find Jaemin by the foot of the bed. “Jaem…Renjun thinks I love someone else. How can he think that?”

A flash of something crosses Jaemin’s features. “What?”

“He was crying…and he asked me thinking I was asleep.”

“How can he think that after everything?”

Jaemin comes to side beside him on the bed, draping an arms around his shoulders and letting him cry it out.

Renjun turns his phone off as he sits by the entrance. Donghyuck and Yangyang sit each to his side. Yangyang hugs him from his position and Donghyunk wipes at his cheeks.

“He was awake…I said too much and he probably heard. What do I do now?”

Donghyuck shushes him asking him to calm down. “Let’s talk about it later, okay. We’re sleeping over tonight.”

A hand ruffles his hair gently. Turning to Yangyang, he sees the other boy also crying. “Why are you crying too?”

Yangyang laughs a bit. “I’m just sad for you, Junnie. I think you should be braver and talk things out with him. You can’t keep things bottled up.”

“I agree, Junnie,” Dongyuch supplies, “I think the best thing to do is talk to him.”

Renjun understands where his friends are coming from. But he can’t imagine talking to Jeno after what he just did. Not that he’s embarrassed. It that he doesn’t want to be rejected. Renjun thought that maybe, what he did would just be the perfect out for Jeno to leave him. To leave him and choose Jaemin.

Renjun hadn’t come to school the next three days. He’d also turned his phone off, or blocked Jeno, the latter just couldn’t reach him. After he’d calmed down that day, he just wanted to talk to his partner and clear up everything – not that he was sure where those thoughts came to Renjun but he just had to tell the other he was the only one for him.

But Renjun shuttered off. Donghyuck and Yangyang just asked Jeno to understand and Jeno does understand. Renjun needs time. Everything with Renjun takes time and it was okay. But not seeing the other knowing he’d been thinking such dark things worries Jeno to no end. He hates that he can’t be there for him.

The weekend was no different. What’s worse is that even when Jeno wanted to see Renjun in person, he only just realized for the all the time they’ve been together he’s never been to Renjun’s house. They’ve both never been to each other’s houses. It was just dates in school or in the city. Donghyuck and Yangyang, Jeno remembers, are neighbours with Renjun but they won’t give away anything, saying the same thing again and again.

“Renjun will talk to you. When he’s ready. I’m sorry, please trust him.”

Jeno will wait an eternity for Renjun. He doesn’t know if it’s just young love taking the reins but he knows he’s willing to give Renjun all the time he needs.

The constant ringing of his phone forces Jeno to get up. He’s been lounging around since Saturday, waiting for that specific caller ring he assigned to Renjun. The boy rarely ever texts, saying texting felt too impersonal, so Jeno’s been used to calling the other, which is why it’s just that one call that he’s waiting for. This one, doesn’t seem to get the idea, thus the nonstop ringing.

The caller ID reads Nana.

“Jaem.”

“Why does it take you so long to pick up?!”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood.”

“Come on, you’ve been cooped up in there since Friday afternoon, you need to breathe fresh air. I’m outside your house. Come down before I start throwing pebbles at the wrong window.”

The call ends even before Jeno can sigh or whine into the receiver. Jaemin almost never takes a no for an answer.

It takes a few moments for Jeno to get out of the house, after randomly picking out a shirt from his closet and pulling up the used jeans lying on the floor. Jaemin grimaces at his appearance.

“A white shirt? Really?”

“It’s whatever Jaem. Let’s just go wherever it is you want to go to.”

Jaemin flicks Jeno between the eyes.

“Cheer up, would you? I get that you’re having relationship problems but it feels awfully like you’re willing to just neglect our time together in order to sulk.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“I know, I know, I know, now please just do this? For me?”

Jaemin’s been his best friend for years. They went through everything together. The only long time they spent truly apart was when Jeno got accepted to their current school. Jeno came to realize many things in that year. First, there was a really big gap between his family and those that practically ran society. Second, there are people who look past that, like Renjun and his friends. Third, Jaemin supports him even when they no longer even hang out as much as before.

When Jeno found his new friends and Renjun, many weekends were spent with them instead of Jaemin. Not that Jaemin was left wallowing in loneliness, he also had his own tennis club practices to go to. The boy really only took tennis seriously the first year of high school, as he was with Jeno in their middle school’s basketball team. But then Jaemin excelled, winning competitions left and right, catching their high school’s attention, and getting invited for their second year.

This was nice in that they could be together again, but Jeno found his time being divided between school activities, basketball, Jaemin and Renjun. Of course Renjun became the priority and so Jaemin uses every opportunity he can to guilt trip Jeno.

Just like now.

“Alright. I can’t promise I’ll be a hundred percent, but I will try not to think of Renjun, okay?”

Jaemin smiles so genuinely that Jeno can’t help his own smile in return.

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

They spend the morning at an arcade, betting on who gets the most wins, the loser treating the other to lunch. Jaemin wins. He always does. Which is why he’s now looking at Jaemin opposite him at a café, with two different sets on his own side to Jeno’s value-priced one.

“How’s basketball been going?”

“Fine, I guess. But I don’t think I can be in many games in competitions this season. The seniors have seriously stepped up. They said they want to play together before college.”

“Well that’s a bummer. I know the girls want to see you. You’re mostly what they talk about, really.”

“Yeah, that’s just because I fortunately played well freshman year. They built up a lot of hype when the freshman scholar actually delivered.”

“And now they’re benching you.”

“Yeah, can’t really do much about that.”

Jaemin sips on his drink pensively like he has something to say.

“Don’t you ever wonder what we could’ve achieved if we were as rich as they all are?”

“Jaem…well, I try not to think about it.”

“You do know that’s the reason you’re being benched no matter how well you play, right?”

Jeno does know. But with Renjun and his friends, with most of the students actually, he doesn’t feel so inadequate. But within the team, with jealous seniors and gifted parents who weighed down on the coach’s shoulders, it truly feels like skills aren’t as important as money.

“Like, I know I got in through scholarship, but always being reminded about it is like their way of putting up a wall between us.”

Before Jeno can respond he sees some classmates entering the café. They’re three of the girls from the cheerleading team. They spot the two immediately and head straight for them.

“Hey cuties,” one of them calls, “are you two on a date?”

Jeno sputters his own drink that he’s having. “W-what, no! We’re just friends hanging out.”

The shortest of the three coos, “Come on, we don’t judge!”

“No, really, it’s not that. Yes I do have a boyfriend but Jaemin’s just my friend.”

Jaemin who’s been quiet comes to Jeno’s defense. “He’s dating Renjun.”

The mention of the boy’s name stops the girls from teasing.

One of the girls mouths something to the others before turning to them again. “The girls were just teasing,” a forced giggle, “We meant no offense, yeah?”

“Enjoy your lunch!”

The three leave for a table farther from theirs.

“Your boyfriend sure does control everything.”

Jeno remembers Jaemin’s sentiments from before. He called Renjun ‘king’. Where that came from, Jeno doesn’t know. He’s never shared stories about Renjun to Jaemin that may conjure such comment, but Jaemin’s been getting along with the other students. Most students in their school have studied there since elementary. They may have shared their own stories to tell.

But Jeno’s never known Renjun to act arrogantly or the like. He’s always been gentle, kind and sensitive to others. And from what he’s heard Yangyang saying, he’s always been like that. But Jaemin continues.

“Yangyang told me otherwise before, you know, but he’s Renjun’s friend. Of course, he’ll say that.”

“Jaem I thought you didn’t want me thinking about my relationship. Stop bringing it up. And don’t talk about Renjun like that.”

There’s bite in the way Jeno says it. And he clearly sees Jaemin being affected by it.

“Okay, I’ll stop. But it doesn’t change what I think about him.”

Jeno doesn’t have the energy to argue. He wants to defend Renjun, but he knows Jaemin will not back down from it.

“I’ll pay for our stuff at the counter. Please look after my things.”

Jaemin watches Jeno as he heads for the counter. He doesn’t even look back. He’s pissed, Jaemin knows.

As Jeno walks toward the counter, he notices the girls from before occupying a table nearby. They don’t see him coming and Jeno prefers that.

But just as he passes, he hears them mention Renjun.

“…gala for his sister. But he seemed so out of it. And the make-up couldn’t cover how swollen his eyes were.”

“He must’ve been crying.”

Jeno arrives at the counter and asks the cashier to sum up their bill. But he stands in such a way that he can still hear the girls’ conversation.

“Could it be because of earlier?”

“What?”

“Come on, you saw Jeno with Jaemin right? Maybe they broke up.”

“Then why would Jaemin tell us they’re still dating?”

“Maybe he knows everyone doesn’t want to cross Renjun?”

“I heard from Yuqi the other time…it was during their biology class field activity. Jeno chose Jaemin over Renjun, and then they were so sweet after because Jaemin got injured and Jeno was so focused on him.”

That’s not true. Jeno was worried, yes, but on the bus he went directly to –

Could that have been it? Renjun avoided him after that, didn’t he? And what Renjun asked him at the infirmary…it was because of that?

Jeno cuts third period on Monday to catch Renjun at the library. The most he’s hoping for is just to be able to talk the other and explain his side.

He arrives at a mostly empty hall. Most students have classes in the morning, not that many would spend their time in the library whenever free. But Jeno and Renjun had a spot they mostly spent their time at – some tables by the window nobody really frequents. It’s not a make-out spot or anything as those don’t happen in the library here.

But it is there he finds Renjun, and he’s alone.

Jeno almost expects Renjun to bolt the moment he notices Jeno but the boy stays and smiles at him instead.

“Hey.”

“Hey Jun.”

He takes the seat beside Renjun, following the boy’s gaze as it returned outside.

“What are you looking at?”

Renjun smiles at the question, not turning to Jeno.

“Nothing. It’s just that the weather’s nice.”

It is nice and sunny outside. Very unlike the storm in Jeno’s mind.

A hand finds itself on Jeno’s. He turns his palm side up to grab it. The two hold hands under the table like that for a while. And everything feels good, like they were okay.

Jeno knows they aren’t.

But this, right now, is enough. It’s like an assurance – that it’s okay.

There are a lot they have to talk about. And they will.

But this, here, feels enough.

For now.


	2. Two Years and More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years and some pass. What felt like enough never was, and everything changes, as is normal.
> 
> Whatever was, may no longer be, but may yet still be again.
> 
> Things take time. Renjun does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally written as part of Chapter Two, but I thought it better to separate it as a set-up to the last part. It's sort of a filler to catch up with where everyone is. Most of them, anyway.

“Did you know Renjun is the oldest among us three friends?”

“No I didn’t know that. Also, never thought that. Renjun doesn’t act older.”

“Yeah, but he’s not that much older, too, unlike you.”

This gets Donghyuck a soft kick to the shin. He laughs at Minhyung as the latter mumbles about not being a whole of a lot older than him and his friends.

Donghyuck only met Minhyung in their freshman year at university. He was this fussy third year in Donghyuck’s faculty who, at the year opener party, so obviously avoided conversations with the new students. He hit it off with Renjun who was hiding in the same corner, and Mark basically took the boy under his wing since.

“It’s just that Renjun seems lost most of the time. He sticks to one corner and stays there like he’s hiding away from everyone. Seeing him like that just makes me want to hide him in my pocket.”

Donghyuck forces a smile on his own features. He remembers when Renjun was not like this. He wasn’t much of a social butterfly like his friends but Renjun maintained social relationships well. He was a top student in academics, and was well-liked by many. At least that what the latter seemed like. It was in their last year that things went awry.

“Junnie…has been through a lot by his standards. He’s not like me. I can face problems head on, and quickly get over that, but Renjun – he bottles up everything.”

“I kind of got that kind of vibe from him.”

Minhyung has this troubled, but at the same time hopeful look wash over him. Donghyuck knows Minhyung has taken a liking to Renjun. That’s probably the only reason he asks Donghyuck out to lunch like this. They always talk about Renjun.

And there’s no problem with that, Donghyuck convinces himself.

“Yangyang and I are the only ones he opens up to now, but not about everything. Not the things that really matter. Not the things that will let us help him.”

Minhyung sighs in response.

“I know you like Renjunnie, hyung.”

Minhyung takes the accusation calmly. He smiles gently and adjusts on his seat.

“Yeah, well I’m not hiding it.”

Donghyuck scoffs ang pick up his milkshake to take a loud sip, waiting for Minhyung to continue.

“I was thinking I needed your help to get to know him as I think it’s hopeless in his current state.”

Donghyuck sips again.

“I really like him Hyuckie.”

Donghyuck hides his blushing from the nickname. It sounds different coming from Minhyung.

“But I think I don’t have a chance with him. He always shies away from everything apart from studies.”

“I think…that if you really want to pursue him, you have to be very patient and direct with him.”

“Be direct with him? Wouldn’t that just scare him off?”

“No. I’ve seen it work once.”

Minhyung eyes Donghyuck suspiciously, then at Donghyuck’s sincere nod, his eyes widen in surprise. “You mean Renjun dated before?”

“Once.”

“And?”

“They broke up.”

“Why?”

Why indeed? Renjun never really talks about it. Donghyuck and Yangyang witnessed when the relationship got rocky. It was when someone came into the picture. But they seemed to have gotten past that. Just one day, and everything seemed like normal, and went on for a little over a year. But if it seemed too good to be true, it proved that it was.

Too good to be true.

Jeno turned to park into his apartment’s driveway. He collects his school stuff, his groceries, and his gym clothes before coming in. He passes by the sleeping form on his couch, beside which he drops his bag, to place his groceries in the kitchen. He goes on ahead and puts his clothes in the wash and starts the cycle.

The man on his couch wakes up to the soft whir of the machine and the footstep thuds going around the space.

“You’re back.”

“I’m back. And you’re here.”

“Yeah, had a rough night. I went drinking with some friends and they took me here after I got drunk.”

“Why here? Don’t they know your dorm address?”

“Didn’t want to bother my roommate, I guess.”

Jeno continues shuffling around to put his things in the right places, never actually looking at his guest throughout their short conversation.

“Am I not welcome here?”

Jeno sighs before turning to his guest. He gives him a slight smile, one he’s become accustomed to putting on with everyone.

“No, Jaemin. You’re always welcome here.”

The man eyes him warily, not convinced at all, but continues on nonetheless.

“You’ll tell me if you have a problem with me, right? I’m your best friend.”

Jeno returns to rearranging his stuff in the fridge, putting the newer ones behind those nearing expiry.

“Of course Jaem.”

Renjun hasn’t been sleeping a lot. Not for years now. Thoughts plague his mind daily that he can’t even think properly in classes. No matter how much studying or reading he does, nothing sticks. He’s had failed grades and dropped courses. He’s stuck, been stuck, in a long rut.

Many college students turn to drinking in situations like his. Many still, turn to their support systems like family and friends, lovers. Others take time for themselves, to relax and unwind.

Renjun does none of those. Like he always does he keeps everything to himself. He shuts everyone out. Nobody knows how out of control his life currently is. He pays people with his exorbitant allowance to keep information regarding his grades and courses from reaching his parents. They won’t punish him for those things, but they will worry about him and they take even more radical steps for their youngest child. Even his brother or sister fuss over every little thing when it comes to him so he doesn’t want them knowing how bad it is.

Donghyuck and Yangyang are also in the dark. Renjun knows they will not rat him out but they’re no better than his family when it comes to coddling him.

Renjun knows he’s loved and cared for but he doesn’t want his problems to be their problems too. It’s as simple as that.

Even when everything is confusing. Even when classes have become so hard. Even if the hurt he keeps carrying remains.

_Just keep things to yourself, Renjun._

_Everything will pass._

But not all things pass just because one sweeps them under the carpet. Secrets always have a way of seeing the light of day.

Renjun also understands that. He still remembers the fateful day.

He remembers how his chest tightened at the onslaught of emotions rushing to come out. He remembers how his knees gave way. He remembers how breathing seemed to be so difficult. He remembers how his tears just kept falling like they won’t stop.

He remembers everything still. The soft reassurances that came to naught.

He remembers the hand that held his as he was left behind.

And the lingering kiss that felt like an afterthought.

He remembers waking up to white, to his parents and closest friends.

Most of all he remembers still. The face of the one who wasn’t there.


	3. Making Sense of Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the number of chapters changed. I'm sorry for having decided to drag out the hurt.

Renjun stands at the door marked by some doctor’s name he can’t really be bothered to take note of. This is too overwhelming. Everything these past two weeks have been too overwhelming.

Waking up in a hospital, only to be told you’ve been found collapsed in your own apartment and had been in medically-induced sleep for days, takes a lot from you.

Renjun found out he hadn’t been eating for days. He didn’t even know what he’d been doing for some time. He attended classes, hung out with Donghyuck, Yangyang and their new friend Minhyung, did his papers, he did much of his old routine except eat properly.

But it’s not like he meant not to. He can’t remember.

Donghyuck and Yangyang got reprimanded by their parents, but Renjun admitted he’d been deflecting the two, saving them some of the scolding. His sister also arrived after, with news of Renjun’s actual class standings. He got no scoldings from his parents, nor did he get judgemental looks from his siblings, friends and their respective parents.

Everybody knew how he was. They all knew yet didn’t push him. Now they only look like they’re blaming themselves.

And Renjun hates it.

Now, as he stands outside this psychiatrist’s office, with his mom and dad encouraging him patiently from behind, Renjun feels so cornered.

More than that though, he wants to calm his parents’ fears. He knows he needs help. He’s known for so long.

He has to do this, if not for himself, then for everyone he has burdened.

Donghyuck fidgets in his seat. Yangyang was supposed to be with him for this, but the boy had an emergency meeting with other students for a group requirement in one of his classes.

The café looks peaceful enough. Quite unlike how his heart is trying to beat out of his chest.

This is for Renjun.

Or for Renjun’s mom.

She gave them this mission to find out exactly why Renjun has been so depressed. They know they’ll get nothing from the boy, or the doctor he’s supposed to be seeing right now. But both Donghyuck and Yangyang know the exact person they need to talk to.

The chimes by the door sing as it opens.

It’s not Jeno.

Donghyuck may have to wait a while.

Jeno stares at the café just across the street. He sees Donghyuck seated by the window, fidgeting, and always checking his phone.

The message he received the other night was unexpected, out of the blue. It’s been years since they’ve talked. He’s heard that the three attended a university in the same vicinity as his. But for Donghyuck to reach out, something must have happened with Renjun.

Renjun.

Not a day has passed that Jeno didn’t feel guilt eating up his insides. He can’t forget Renjun’s face as they parted for the last time, that look of betrayal and hurt.

But if that choice was ever thrust in front of him again, he’d still be conflicted. To be made to choose like that, is too hard a decision to have a sure choice.

Thinking of Renjun though, brings more than just pain. It also reminds Jeno of love so pure. Not so much his, but that of Renjun’s who never once spoke out of line, knowing exactly to avoid the bad stuff. A love so pure, yet also naïve, feelings so blissful, yet hiding dark, painful thoughts.

Renjun wanted to show him he was loved, wanted to be given love, yet they blitzed through important discussions, favouring the calm over peace. And they ended in ashes.

Jeno just knows whatever it is that Donghyuck wanted to talk about had a lot to do with Renjun.

But if this was a chance for redemption and amends, Jeno will take it.

Donghyuck looks up as the chair opposite him is pulled out and occupied.

“Hey, Donghyuck.”

“Jeno.”

“It’s been a while.”

“It has.”

Donghyuck looked a lot like when he was still in high school. But instead of the mischievous look he always once sported, there was tension to his every word today.

Jeno can’t help but feel anxious at wherever this was leading up to.

“How can I help you?”

Donghyuck looks so unsure sitting there, like he wants to bolt at any chance that opens up.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do…”

“What is it, Hyuck?”

Donghyuck seems to debating within himself a lot. He checks his phone repeatedly like there are answers there.

“I know this is about Renjun. I know I did him wrong. And I’m very sorry about a lot but – ”

The boy finally takes a deep breath as Jeno starts talking and slams his hands on the table, catching the attention of customers in nearby tables.

“Renjun’s sick.”

Jeno is taken aback, catching himself mid-speech. Sick?

Donghyuck rushes to clarify, “Not like ‘ _he’s-dying’_ kinda sick. He’s…heartbroken.”

Jeno looks down in embarrassment.

Donghyuck continues.

“He’s never been the same, Jeno. Ever since you two broke up before graduation. He hasn’t been himself.”

There’s sniffling.

Jeno looks up to see Donghyuck crying.

“Hey…” he starts to reach for the other’s hand on the table. But Donghyuck pulls back in a hurry.

“What happened Jen? Please, we don’t know what to do…he collapsed from exhaustion two weeks ago, he’s not been eating before that. He’s failing almost all his classes that only his family’s influence is keeping him in school. He’s not telling us anything.”

Jeno starts to tear up himself at seeing Donghyuck’s desperation for his friend.

“He hasn’t told anybody what ever happened between you two. We thought he was moving on fine, but it turns out he’s been putting up lie after lie to cover up all the things he’s been feeling.”

Donghyuck all but breaks down as he continues, feeling for his friend. It affects Jeno as he knows how close these friends are. He knows if it’s affecting Donghyuck this way, Renjun must be in very dire straits.

And he can’t help feeling it’s his fault.

Their table attracts looks from patrons and staff in the café. Two young men, crying silently and talking in hushed tones isn’t a usual scene.

But they couldn’t care less about these looks they’re getting.

“I don’t know what I can help you with, Hyuck. I know he won’t talk to me. I tried reaching out to him the whole first year in university. I felt so sorry every time. I felt like shit the whole time. I know I did him wrong and I have long wanted to fix it. I wanted to fix it before we became seniors, but I was a coward. He showed me he was okay and to console myself, I went along with that.”

Donghyuck holds the hand that previously reached out to him.

“You know how he is right? How he doesn’t want to burden everyone? The doctor told us Jen, when he was at the hospital. They saw signs of him being you know…like he wants to…like he…”

_I’ll just kill myself then._

The scene flashes in Jeno’s mind again. He clenches his fists, causing Donghyuck to flinch.

Jeno looks up to see Donghyuck still talking, but his words don’t register anymore. All he sees now is that face, mocking him, challenging.

“I’m sorry, Hyuck,” Jeno cuts off, “I’ll call you. There’s someone I have to talk to.”

Renjun comes out of the clinic feeling the same. He didn’t get far with the counsellor. It was all questions he didn’t really know the answer to, or ones he didn’t want to answer.

He sees his parents in the waiting area, his mother’s head laid on his father’s shoulder, eyes closed, his arm around her and his other holding up a magazine.

His guilt creeps in again. He never wants to see them looking guilty, worried and scared again. He never wants them to think they did wrong by him. They’ve been really great parents.

_I’m the problem._

“Dad.”

“Junnie.”

His mother startles awake and Renjun feels bad for it. They must’ve been losing sleep worrying over him.

“Sorry I woke you, mom.”

“No, baby, it’s okay.” She beckons him to the seat beside her. “How was it in there?”

Renjun sits and hugs her from the side, hiding his face on her shoulder. He knows he’s acting like a little kid but he needs them. He loves his parents and he’s sorry to them.

His father extends his hold to Renjun and they stay like that for a while, his parent looking at each other as they let Renjun cry.

Yangyang arrives at his apartment to find Donghyuck asleep on his couch. He approaches the boy to check up on him, caressing his face when he sees the swollen bags under his eyes and tear stains on his cheek.

They live on the same floor as Renjun. The latter’s apartment being opposite Donghyuck, which, in turn was right beside this one.

The original plan was to live together, but Renjun wanted to try and be independent.

Yangyang figures that will change soon. Knowing how close their families are and how all their parents think of them as shared responsibilities, they’ll probably all agree to make them live in one place.

He picks up Donghyuck phone, planning to read through his exchange with Jeno when he sees his friend’s wallpaper.

He turns to the sleeping figure to pat him on the head, “Oh, Hyuckie.”

The phone is returned on the coffee table.

The screen lights up from a notification and Yangyang looks.

But he can’t help but look past that and at the wallpaper again.

It’s of Minhyung, looking down at his cup of noodles, smiling.

Jeno sifts through his things in an effort to tidy his apartment. He’s felt confused about everything and wants to clear his head. There are things he must do, things he wants to do, but he knows he must do some real thinking first.

Nothing ever goes right with emotionally charged actions. He must be rational if he wants to save everyone, and himself.

He gets to the box he’s kept hidden in his closet.

It’s filled with his heart for the ones he’s held most dear in his young heart.

Small trinkets, photos, letters, even receipts. Some are of his parents, when they proved to him he was most important to them. There are ones from precious friends, like Jaemin and some of the gifts he’s gotten from him since they were little. His medals from school, be they academic or athletic.

And underneath it all there are those of the one great love of his life so far.

Renjun.

Small photos he took of the other secretly, taking the effort to have them developed. There are the letters Renjun wrote in reply to his notes that he left in the former’s locker when he was courting him. Nervous, innocent words filling now slightly worn paper. There are the receipts of their best dates clipped on to photos of such events.

There is also the ring he once gave the boy.

He fondly remembers how flustered the other was, interpreting it as a proposal – not that it wasn’t in Jeno’s heart – for if given the chance, he’d do it for Renjun.

It was a promise.

A promise made after their falling out before senior year, to assure Renjun it was just him.

A promise he did end up breaking.

Because things do not always go as planned.

Things happen that make us stray from the path we swore to take.

People are fickle. Some are cunning. Some very desperate.

And Jeno, always one to put others before himself, is easily swayed.

These things happen and leave us in regret.

A week before graduation, a letter was in his locker.

In it, this ring.

Along with it was a note.

In it was a simple phrase.

_I will always remember you by your sincere smiles._

And then Renjun was gone from his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadness is driving me write these stuff. Bu we must all find our own small joys in order to see the good in life.


	4. Being First, Doesn't Mean Being the One, and That's Okay, Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was always just them two.
> 
> Then it wasn't anymore.
> 
> But it wasn't anyone's fault.

He met Jeno at age 8.

The latter's family had just moved into the city then. They moved into the newly-built house beside their three-story apartment building, a quaint two-story home that looked a lot more spacious compared to their own apartment.

He was with his mother, exiting their building to head to the market when this boy came barreling into him. He was on the ground before he even realized what was happening and then there's this man and woman approaching them and profusely apologizing to both him and his mother while the other boy was trying to run away still, but now in the clutches of his own mother, who was still explaining how their son wanted no part in moving their stuff in and just wanted to play.

Somehow, their parents hit it off and then they were invited to dinner at the new house. He was so nervous then. He'd never been into a big house before, and though the new neighbors seemed kind, he could not forget how rich people treated his mother.

He was a lot younger then, but he understood. They were being kicked out because his mother couldn't pay rent on time. His father had just died then, and his mother did her best, but the rich man who owned the building wouldn't have any of it and kicked them out. That was before they moved here.

And so at dinnertime, he was hiding behind his mother as she rang the neighbor’s doorbell. But they were ushered in by the mother, who smiled at him so genuinely, and once inside, he took in the house. It was huge in his eyes, alright, and at the stairs there was the boy.

He was running towards him again, sporting a very big smile that extended to his eyes. The boy pulled at him, all but shouting his introduction, “Hi, I’m Jeno! Come see my new room!” and he was pulled upstairs and into the boy’s room at the end of the hallway. The room was everything he wished for at his age – toys, books and games surrounded them.

“Hey I’m sorry I hurt you this morning.” He looked at the boy who had spoken, sat on the blue bed at the center of the room.

“It’s okay.” He could not muster any other response, still overwhelmed by the vents and the boy’s energy. But the boy was forceful, if anything. He smiled again and came to hug him.

“From now on, we are best friends!”

And that was their story, sticking together from then on, all throughout primary school and into middle school.

Jeno and Jaemin. The inseparable pair. Jeno and Jaemin.

Best friends for most of their young lives, Jaemin always thought they’d stay that way.

In middle school, Jeno took up basketball as his club. Jaemin, having to help his mom at home, chose not to join any clubs and other extracurricular activities. But it was fine, because after dinner, they still spent time together at each other’s places, be it for homework or games. At school, they shared all the same classes and sat together for all of them.

Weekends, they spent together on adventures to different places in the city, discovering stores and unusual haunts. They were good together. They shared the same tastes for food and fun, and their interests just clicked.

But Jeno’s basketball club soon took the boy to new heights. The boy was getting recognition for his playing and attracting the eyes of many. Teachers, coaches, girls, all of them. And Jaemin was proud of his friend. Jeno played for the fun of it but the recognition was a great bonus, too.

And it was indeed when in their last year of middle school, Jeno was scouted by the city’s most prestigious school. The school had a reputation for taking in the most promising academic, athletic and arts students and developing them to the best of their abilities, making a name for the school and opening doors for the students in professional fields.

The school was famous for another reason too. It offered all levels of education to the country’s most elite families. Clearly a recipe for corruption, but no, the school had its standards. And they were strict too. Even the wealthiest kids had to pass entrance tests and keep good grades. All this made the school all the more prestigious. It housed decent rich kids and the best the rest of the population could offer.

And Jeno was going to be attending there come high school. Because there was nothing to think about when the boy’s family discussed it. Attending the school was best for their son’s future.

Jeno was ecstatic. He was on to a brand new adventure and he was excited as he told Jaemin all about it.

That night, Jaemin slept late. The tears wouldn’t stop falling.

Middle school passed and Jaemin stared at the entrance to his new school. For the first time in so long, he’s facing something so daunting all alone. He could see the older students smoking just outside. Girls in thick make-up. Smaller students being pushed around. Would Jeno be facing the same things? Highly unlikely.

If Jaemin had anything going, it was his charm. He looked like the idols on TV and he was athletic enough to be accepted into the cool crowd. This saved him from the bullying, at least. A lot of kids his age hadn’t been so lucky. Coming into this kind of school kind of set him up to be a harder person…stronger. You weren’t coddled by the teachers who seemed like they couldn’t care less about the students. You had to fend for yourself and Jaemin did.

It worried his mom to see him with his new friends, especially with the kind of language he’d recently been using. Even the time he spent with Jeno on the weekends became less and less and it’s not just because they went to different schools. It’s also not just that somehow Jaemin has changed – no that Jeno noticed.

The boy wouldn’t shut up about this Renjun kid.

Jaemin saw the pictures. Indeed the boy was pretty but for Jeno to be speaking about him the way he did?

Jaemin didn’t even know his best friend swung that way.

Nine years together and he wasn’t told. Nine years, though two of those hurt more. Because in the middle of their middle school years, Jeno no longer became just Jeno to Jaemin.

At 14, Jaemin fell in love.

And so hearing of this new boy that came to Jeno’s life, Jaemin couldn’t help but be bitter about it. He couldn’t help the sense of loss. He couldn’t help their new distance. He couldn’t help the jealousy. He couldn’t help getting hurt.

Bad decisions led to worse and one day, Jaemin went along with his new friends, when they came upon a group of students from a different school.

He thought none of it when one of his companions mentioned something about taking the other group’s money. He wasn’t into that but suddenly, he was in the middle of a street brawl.

Police broke the fight when nearby shops called them in and Jaemin was fortunate enough to have escaped. But he couldn’t hide his smashed face from his mother who cried at the sight of him. Jaemin, bitter Jaemin, did not want to deal with it and so escaped to their building’s rooftop. His phone rang once to a text from his mother asking him to come to dinner but Jaemin was too angry, too guilty, to come down.

“Hey Jaem…”

Jaemin didn’t have to look up to know it was Jeno. He didn’t want to. But Jeno was still that forceful boy when they were 8 who pulled him everywhere all the time. And even now, he didn’t have the strength to fight as the boy lifted his tear-stricken face. The boy just sighed and picked up a piece of cotton, which made Jaemin notice the kit he had brought up with him.

“I heard from your mom.”

“Hmm.”

“I actually went to your apartment because mom wanted to invite you and your mom to dinner but I only found your mom at your dinner table, ready but with her food untouched. She told me you were probably here and bid me to take this kit with me.”

Softly, “You didn’t have to…”

Once again, Jeno held his face so they look at each other, “Is everything okay, Jaem?”

And that was all it took for everything to come out. He was sad. He was lonely. He felt so alone, so left behind. He went with the wrong crowd and he felt too bad about it he couldn’t look at his own mother. All this he cried into his best friend’s shoulder.

And for minutes later they just stayed still. Jaemin wrapped in Jeno’s arms as the boy rubbed soothingly at his back. He pulled away after some time.

“I’m sorry.”

Jeno just held him again, this time by the hand. “No, I’m sorry Jaem. I didn’t think about you all this time. I was too engrossed in my new world I kinda left you all alone. I’m so sorry, believe me I didn’t want to, I was just too…happy, I guess, for me…that…I’m sorry Jaem.”

“You can’t do that Jeno. Don’t be sorry for being happy. It was me. I couldn’t take to my own reality. None of it is your fault. Your family chose what was right for you.”

“Still, Jaem. It hurts to see you like this.”

All this seemed to Jaemin like it was too intimate a conversation. He knows Jeno’s just naturally kind, but his worry only makes it harder for Jaemin. But as sweet as he deems it, he knows Jeno doesn’t mean it like he wishes him to.

“Why don’t you take up a sport Jaem? Like something you’ll excel at?”

Jaemin scoffs. “Why would I bother? This late into the school year?”

“Just…join me at my school. They offer scholarships, Jaem, like mine. If you’re lucky enough and they notice you, you’ll get in.”

Jaemin eyes Jeno like he wants to tell him to face facts. Because though Jaemin is athletic, he’s not exceptionally so, enough to be noticed. But Jeno looks so hopeful about it. And then he pleads once more.

“Please just try it Jaem. Then, we can be together again.”

And that does it for Jaemin.

Taking up tennis was a smart choice. The community center actually formed a team that competed around the city. This was a good thing as Jaemin didn’t want to be dealing with his school’s sports clubs as he didn’t mingle with his former friends after that brawl.

He was talking with his mother again, which made them both glad, and he was actually good at this new sport he picked up. He’s actually won some competitions already, which made Jeno happy too.

That was another thing that came back to his life. Jeno and he were closer again, but it wasn’t all good.

Because now Jeno told him more things. Like how Renjun was his boyfriend now. And how Renjun was so sweet and calm and kind. How cute he was in everything he wore and did. How smart Renjun was. How Renjun thought their long friendship was sweet. How Renjun wanted to meet him some day.

Sometimes it became all too much but seeing how happy Jeno was, he couldn’t help but smile through it all and supported his precious friend.

Because no matter how much he wanted to have Jeno to himself, he knows Jeno’s happiness should come first.

A week before the end of the school year, he arrived home to his mother sitting at their table with dinner ready and an envelope beside his space.

His mother beckoned him to open it. There was a school seal on it. He wouldn’t mistake it for any other. He opened it and a letter was inside.

He was invited. The school wanted him, too.

Just like they did Jeno a year ago.

Jeno jumped up and down with him when he brought him the news. He was so happy that Jeno was happy for him, for this.

“At last, Jen. We’ll be together again.”

Jeno pulled him in again for a hug, ever the same boy, “Yeah, Jaem. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a bit long as many changes had to be done. And look, the target chapters increased again! 
> 
> Yeah this is just a short one. I just felt like my writing was shit and work was getting to me and I'm just always in a bad place that I wrote too much emotion into this and then it felt like too much I had to change it, and then change it once again, until this was what I am almost contented with. I just decided, I shouldn't ruin it anymore as I'm the type to write my emotions into my work, and my emotions were...a bit much...
> 
> Thanking for reading, though. 2021 feels so long already, doesn't it? I hope bad things stop happening.

**Author's Note:**

> The next one will take some time to finish. Its halfway through though. But I'm stumped.


End file.
